Kimi Ni Todoke: A Letter #1

So how should I start this letter? I think I should begin the way I would have conveyed my feelings to you.

When I was in my second last year of high school, I fell into the company of people whom I thought sincerely loved me. I trusted them and would never ever imagine they would jest me for their own amusement. But somehow I could feel a wall that separated us, that didn’t allow them to fully open up to me. I always wondered why! My instincts told me I should hold myself back a little bit too but I blame my naivety for completely disregarding my gut feeling. Among them there was this person who treated me little differently from others. He was particular in his attention. I couldn’t help but swoon over the fact that such a cheerful person would actually like to become friend and friends we become. Being the way I was back then, I trusted him from day one yet I always had this nagging feeling which I couldn’t understand.

Eventually situation started to change: I was the only one texting him first—but let’s not refine too much on it. Later on bit by bit the truth started to unfold. The reality hit me like a bolt of lightning. I couldn’t believe that the guy who showered me with so much of love and affection didn’t actually consider me as an important friend. I was confused. At first I didn’t want to believe it. How could anyone pretend to love someone? His object of pride was his feat in girls and it disgusted me to think that I was one of them. Yes, I was broken. I was devastated. It had been an entertainment from the beginning.

From then on I didn’t trust anyone. Even if I wanted to, people would give me every possible reason to make me hold myself back from believing in them. This went on for a long time.

Then as fate desired you came here for educational purposes and we became acquainted with each other in that hideous coaching classes. How I hated going there! No, we didn’t talk much in the beginning but as time passed we became friends. I was pretty much focused in my studies but I was always aware of your presence and the small compliments you paid me.

After our exams ended we exchanged numbers and miraculously, dealt with each other wonderfully. I knew I was treading on dangerous grounds so I was very careful with each step, maybe too much careful.

You opened up to me. You gave me a nickname that no one had ever given me. You made me realise a part of me that I never could have found out. You tried to understand me and in someway I found a really cool person in you. Above all it was nice to have someone who didn’t show any tendencies of falling for me and who kept his boundaries till friendship.

It was later I realised I had let my guard down and let you in my life. You became an important person for me but still I had that nagging feeling in my gut. I knew what we had would fall apart one day and you would leave but the irony of the situation was I still trusted you. Despite my past experience I took a chance. I told you so many things, expressed my honest emotions which I generally keep to myself. We became such good friends. But little did I know that the degree in which I held you dear was much more than yours.

Things started to fall apart again but it started sooner than I had thought. I could see your desire to talk to me slowly diminishing. Again I was the texting first. It was only me who called. My past was screaming at me (do you understand the trauma?) I knew I was the only one putting efforts in our superfluous friendship and if I stopped you wouldn’t bother a single nerve over it. So I knew where it would end.

Ah! I was trying to burry this thought because if I had accepted, then the pain and my foolishness, which smirked right at my face, would have been difficult to bear. So I decided to wait for you to text first knowing all the while what was to come. One week dragged away yet no message came from your side. “So you never really bothered”, that was all I could think of. My prediction came true but I didn’t know what to feel.

My trust was broken yet again. I was hurt. I messaged you at the end of the week but the way you talked broke me from inside. No, you weren’t angry, you were just not interested so I decided it’s better I didn’t message you again.

I couldn’t forgive myself for trusting you and giving you a place in my heart. Even though we didn’t talk, you were always in my thoughts. After few weeks passed I mustered up the courage and texted you again. You see I was missing my friend. I didn’t regret my decision because it opened my eyes to where I stood in your life: no-where. I remember you were so cold to me. My tears flooded my cheeks as I tried to converse with you. I, who never says ‘I miss you’, repeated it thrice just for you yet you flicked it off like dust from sleeves. How could you do that? Don’t you have a heart? You read my messages but I think you were so deeply struck by them that you became speechless and couldn’t reply to any of them. Talk about respect!

How could you play with me like that? I truly loved you as friend and respected you. After three long years I dared to trust somebody and that somebody broke it into pieces and leisurely stepped on it and walked away.

I trusted and loved you so much, my friend, but sadly you didn’t value it.

Now when I think about it I feel thankful that you left because if you would have stayed I might not have become what I am now. You were a challenge, a stepping stone to my future and now you are just my past trifle memory.

Yes, you have hurt me but I will forgive you and move on because neither do I want to hold any grudges nor do I want my happiness to be marred by an unhealthy incident. I want to be freed from that malicious feeling. You were a lesson which I have learned so I will definitely forgive you with all my heart. But above all I will forgive myself.

Goodbye precious

Yours (now no more)

Adorable

Unsaid to Perfect Musically

Sometimes you have so much to say but your lips can’t find words for your feelings. You sit there helpless, not because your vocabulary is poor but because there are no words that can explain the battle going inside of you. The turmoil of partly comprehended feelings conjures up such chaotic thoughts that it subdues the present and leaves your status quo focusing on the past and future only.

Ergo, as days pass you become more quiet because you know explaining the reason behind your dull vibes would end up a fiasco so you simply give up on enunciation and settle down on repeating  “I’m fine” like a broken tape. But you want to explain, you want to let it all out yet words don’t form proper sentences.

These deafening thoughts doesn’t surfaces while you are surrounding with people; having fun and laughing. It stays dormant until  you are left alone, then it strikes like a masked serpent, like an obscure arrow, piercing your back; leaving you feeling numb but not numb enough to paralyze your mind.

How long do you expect this to go on? How many times do you think you can evade people? It has to stop somewhere. The bedlam, that noise has to turn into music once again and believe me it will; the most beautiful composition, your own creation. But for that each note has to be given its due respect and time. You have to adjust one scale at a time, one note as you take a step and slowly and surely the end result would be a masterpiece; your own masterpiece.

Don’t stop until it becomes a beautiful medley of all high and low pitches of life. Keep it real and make it your own because that music is unique and original which belongs to your self created genre. This music is not for others to listen to but for your own enjoyment; for you to remember how you worked hard to understand the importance of each note, why it was produced and where it will fit perfectly.

Then you will know how significant each pitch stands to create a masterpiece. Your life is a perfect gamut so make use of each musical note that comes from each situation. That uncomprehending bedlam is nothing but musical notes waiting to be understood and put exactly where it belongs. So love all those notes because after all they are a part of something and that’s you.

From Dream to Reality.

“Maybe this is right.”

“Maybe it’s never meant to happen.”

“Maybe this is who I am.”

It is amusing how one word can give rise to doubts and uncertainties. Long thought out plans are destroyed, strong standing principles are shaken up, faith and belief on oneself crumbled up into dust just because of that one word ‘maybe’.

It becomes hard to believe that great things are on their way and not just constricted to dreams or fantasies. Eventually we start restricting our mind to ride on deep thoughts and beautiful moments that can happen in future, and without our knowledge this ‘maybe’ gets converted ‘definitely’. In the beginning we doubt our potential but now we believe in its non-existence.

‘I could have never done it.’

‘It was never meant to be.’

‘I am worthless.’

And this is how a new person is born, a person with no goals, no aims, no passion, simply living because he cannot die. Some with lower morale or self-esteem chokes life out of themselves.

But did they know that the sky before the dawn is darkest? Did they know it was not going to be easy?

So don’t let ‘maybe’ get in your way and if it does then change its context.

‘Maybe I will reach there.’

‘Maybe it is meant to be.’

‘Maybe I have all the potential I need.’

Try it. Destroy those milestones, deepen your principles, and crumble up the walls and limits that stop you from moving forward.

Easier said than done but you are not where you have dreamed yourself to be, so isn’t that enough motivation? Give yourself a push and march on to the higher grounds, not to look down on others but for others to look up to you. Let your story of dreaming become an inspiration for millions of others.

That is why don’t doubt your dreams, don’t restrict yourself from fantasising but wake up and work hard for it. Get out of that comfort zone and make a fool proof plan that will take you wherever you want.

Be excited; be happy about it knowing that every second well spent is a step closer to your dream. Little by little lay a solid foundation and see how strong and high the building will rise.

Just don’t let the doubts and uncertainties engulf you.

Believe in yourself and give it a try.

 

Stay Blessed.

R.E.A.

WHEN MIND BREAKS.

Many a times we have undergone the pain of heartbreak and survived it somehow. I am sure it might not have been easy to put back all the pieces together especially when you have to do it all on your own. Each time employing different tactics to stick the pieces together would not only have tested your patience but also your sanity. Yet in the end you managed to make your heart whole again.

But there are times when mind also breaks, when simple two plus two seems like the most difficult calculus problem. It is when you know what is to be done but your mind doesn’t have the capacity to put it into action because you have become hopelessly tired of your situation and everyday life.

A person in this situation would rather give up than try moving forward because of the continuous failure of all the attempts which were intensively and practically planned. All relevant or irrelevant thoughts are pushed out and only vacuum of apprehensions remain. The feelings are still there just buried under the nothingness if paralysed mind. It becomes impossible to see or feel other’s misery and hard ships because our mind is intoxicated with ours. When mind breaks our hearts either become extremely insensitive or vulnerable and this situation is worse than heartbreak.

Re-assembling all the pieces of mind to regain the peace of mind becomes impossible when each shard has its own bedlam of thoughts that are not on the same page with other pieces.

The broken mind cannot decide to stay in one single path because of the ‘n’ number of goals it has aimed to achieve. This builds up anxiety and pressure. The burden of recurring failure does not boost up the courage to move forward or at least maintain the basic routine of the day.

But like a fighter that mind makes through the day alive, hoping that a new day might bring a new strength and will power to grasp the opportunities. So, in this situation you have to be stubbornly optimistic. Even if every effort falters and fades away like vapour, it becomes extremely necessary to at least hold on to positivity even if it feels absurd.

This difficult moment here will test your strength, your consistency and your desire to see yourself where you have dreamed to be. No, it is not easy to pass the test but after all life doesn’t stop and time doesn’t stand still. So you have to fight with all your might. Yes, I know people said it would be difficult but they did not say it would be impossible.

So, maybe at times when your mind breaks it means it needs a break. It’s alright if you decide to remain still while calmly making a head or tail of every piece of puzzle then maybe in due course of time the bedlam would make some sense and the pieces would automatically stick together.

Everyone has their own time zone, their own pace so don’t rush it. You will get your answers; you will know which path to follow. Things will become clear; you will sort out your priorities. Anxiety and pressure will melt away replacing a new found strength. The brilliant smile will come back again and your new found strength would become a tale of courage and inspiration for many.

So right now let the sand paper scrub you and give you a smooth and shinning finish because one day your glow and sparkle will guide someone else’s way.

 

R.E.A.

Her Home.

​If you see her sitting alone dazed in her thoughts, her eyes smiling lightly and her face calm like sea, it is when she is thinking of her home. The only place where she finds refuge from bustle of large crowd and the suffocation of “what ifs”. It is safe and warm. Though sometimes crispy winds flows and the mist hides her home but she believes that it is still there. All she has to do is reach out for it.

Her home is small but large, new but ancient and adorned with pretty walls with few scar like cracks. Yet she adores it.

She is still to fall in love with it but it can wait, she can wait. She is willing to wait.

Reaching You!

The rythm blast away the limits.

The borders drawn smuged out with your beats.
Each word each letter hides a story,
A long struggling journey, I feel.

That smile which was once innocent and sweet,
Subtle and honest,
Bright and cheerful,
Warm and refreshing,

Is now a wise curve on your lips.

The change is heartbreaking and i feel hopeless.
My hands are too short and my voice too small,
So how can i ever hug you tight,
And say
“Dont break down, just hold on.
Now Stay strong cuz u
gotta prove yourself as ton”?

I miss that warm and unburdened face,
Where have you hidden it?
Locked away somewhere or did the pressure steal it?
Where ever it is i hope its fine,
Cuz one day i want to see it with that
Old smile.

FICKLE!

Maybe its pink but she wants it blue.

Her heart says rest but the voice says run.
She goes left but wishes for right.
And now Because of The Dorment unclear choices,
She dsnt trust her soul.
Her decisions are temporary,
Her doubts are long lasting
Does she want to pluck the flower or water it everyday?
But in the end it will whither anyway.

Dreaming of clouds and sky, the stars stretching to infinity beyond.
Should she rise high or is she meant to stay on ground?
Cause a broken dreams are worse than a nightmare.

Thru the misty lane she now walks hoping one day
Sunrays would dawn.