So how should I start this letter? I think I should begin the way I would have conveyed my feelings to you.
When I was in my second last year of high school, I fell into the company of people whom I thought sincerely loved me. I trusted them and would never ever imagine they would jest me for their own amusement. But somehow I could feel a wall that separated us, that didn’t allow them to fully open up to me. I always wondered why! My instincts told me I should hold myself back a little bit too but I blame my naivety for completely disregarding my gut feeling. Among them there was this person who treated me little differently from others. He was particular in his attention. I couldn’t help but swoon over the fact that such a cheerful person would actually like to become friend and friends we become. Being the way I was back then, I trusted him from day one yet I always had this nagging feeling which I couldn’t understand.
Eventually situation started to change: I was the only one texting him first—but let’s not refine too much on it. Later on bit by bit the truth started to unfold. The reality hit me like a bolt of lightning. I couldn’t believe that the guy who showered me with so much of love and affection didn’t actually consider me as an important friend. I was confused. At first I didn’t want to believe it. How could anyone pretend to love someone? His object of pride was his feat in girls and it disgusted me to think that I was one of them. Yes, I was broken. I was devastated. It had been an entertainment from the beginning.
From then on I didn’t trust anyone. Even if I wanted to, people would give me every possible reason to make me hold myself back from believing in them. This went on for a long time.
Then as fate desired you came here for educational purposes and we became acquainted with each other in that hideous coaching classes. How I hated going there! No, we didn’t talk much in the beginning but as time passed we became friends. I was pretty much focused in my studies but I was always aware of your presence and the small compliments you paid me.
After our exams ended we exchanged numbers and miraculously, dealt with each other wonderfully. I knew I was treading on dangerous grounds so I was very careful with each step, maybe too much careful.
You opened up to me. You gave me a nickname that no one had ever given me. You made me realise a part of me that I never could have found out. You tried to understand me and in someway I found a really cool person in you. Above all it was nice to have someone who didn’t show any tendencies of falling for me and who kept his boundaries till friendship.
It was later I realised I had let my guard down and let you in my life. You became an important person for me but still I had that nagging feeling in my gut. I knew what we had would fall apart one day and you would leave but the irony of the situation was I still trusted you. Despite my past experience I took a chance. I told you so many things, expressed my honest emotions which I generally keep to myself. We became such good friends. But little did I know that the degree in which I held you dear was much more than yours.
Things started to fall apart again but it started sooner than I had thought. I could see your desire to talk to me slowly diminishing. Again I was the texting first. It was only me who called. My past was screaming at me (do you understand the trauma?) I knew I was the only one putting efforts in our superfluous friendship and if I stopped you wouldn’t bother a single nerve over it. So I knew where it would end.
Ah! I was trying to burry this thought because if I had accepted, then the pain and my foolishness, which smirked right at my face, would have been difficult to bear. So I decided to wait for you to text first knowing all the while what was to come. One week dragged away yet no message came from your side. “So you never really bothered”, that was all I could think of. My prediction came true but I didn’t know what to feel.
My trust was broken yet again. I was hurt. I messaged you at the end of the week but the way you talked broke me from inside. No, you weren’t angry, you were just not interested so I decided it’s better I didn’t message you again.
I couldn’t forgive myself for trusting you and giving you a place in my heart. Even though we didn’t talk, you were always in my thoughts. After few weeks passed I mustered up the courage and texted you again. You see I was missing my friend. I didn’t regret my decision because it opened my eyes to where I stood in your life: no-where. I remember you were so cold to me. My tears flooded my cheeks as I tried to converse with you. I, who never says ‘I miss you’, repeated it thrice just for you yet you flicked it off like dust from sleeves. How could you do that? Don’t you have a heart? You read my messages but I think you were so deeply struck by them that you became speechless and couldn’t reply to any of them. Talk about respect!
How could you play with me like that? I truly loved you as friend and respected you. After three long years I dared to trust somebody and that somebody broke it into pieces and leisurely stepped on it and walked away.
I trusted and loved you so much, my friend, but sadly you didn’t value it.
Now when I think about it I feel thankful that you left because if you would have stayed I might not have become what I am now. You were a challenge, a stepping stone to my future and now you are just my past trifle memory.
Yes, you have hurt me but I will forgive you and move on because neither do I want to hold any grudges nor do I want my happiness to be marred by an unhealthy incident. I want to be freed from that malicious feeling. You were a lesson which I have learned so I will definitely forgive you with all my heart. But above all I will forgive myself.
Yours (now no more)