The first dream of 2023

It wasn’t a good one, but it was definitely eye-opening. So this dream didn’t have one theme but rather it was a mixture of two dominant themes that focused on my friends and me trying to escape Darth Vader (I think) or some villain who is trying to their level best to kick us out of a home or perhaps making sure that we don’t get a good house. What I remember is we were trying to make our escape with our belongings without being caught by someone. We were also going in and out of different houses hiding our stuff or trying to sneak them out. I’m not certain why we were doing this but we had to maintain a deathly discreetness in case we were found out.

Simultaneously in the other part of the dream, I was trying to learn something on the computer with the help of someone. He works in a big-shot company, he is smart, and talented, plays guitar and keyboard, leader of the church and I can claim daringly that maybe, perhaps he is a bit cute. But he is extremely selectively social and opens up only to people he is close to. Though you wouldn’t feel as if he is being impolite but he has the tendency to ignore only because he has heaps of church responsibilities on his shoulder which keeps his mind occupied. Also, he is an unassuming person and doesn’t show off how good he is at doing things. It is this guy I saw in my dream who was surprisingly showing interest in talking to me for the first time ever since we met. I was amazed and completely taken aback by his interests in me. He was talking about himself which he never did and was trying to make me understand something by giving me different types of keyboards to work on. If I am not wrong we were working on his system so I had the chance to see his chats. Apparantly he had saved a girl’s number not by her name but some sort of very long description of what he feels about her. Out of politeness I didn’t venture to read the entire thing because it felt encroaching in his personal space but oh my, how curious i was since he had saved my number only by my first name. Which meant I didn’t hold much importance in his life and that he already has someone else.

This brings me to the conclusion that I don’t matter to him much and maybe never have and never will. A part of me desparately wants to talk to him because he is the one that makes sure I understand what the conversation is about since the entire group speaks another language. But there is always a wall, a thin line of ice, some kind of barrier that separates us from having normal conversations or rather any conversations at all. Even in my dream I knew that talking to him or becoming his good friend is a next to impossbile kind of thing. We both are very different people and would never find a common ground for us to talk on. My heart knows that its a losing battle and that I should simply give up on you. But I can’t seem to stop hoping for that. I need to give up and stop expecting somehing so atypical to happen. I need to call it a day on our friendship which I shall endeavour to do.

So long, friend!

Nothing’s really wrong, it’s just…..

My friends have been asking how my new life has been since I moved away from home and started working. I tell them things are not that great since it is work from home and I have to set up the home, cook on my own, buy everything all by myself, be mindful of the expenses, save and invest, continue with my training, network, keep in touch with old friends, make new friends and ensure that I am updating myself regularly with all the news so that I don’t miss out on anything. It sounds as if my life is effortful and challenging right now. In addition to that I feel upset or sad all the time but is it the adulting which is getting to me? I gave a thought about it and concluded that it isn’t the daily life work which is getting the best of me. I have a place of my own, bought furniture, stuff from Nykaa, home appliances, paying for food (good food), electricity, water and some other things I like to indulge myself with. And all of this is coming from my salary which I am getting through a job in a great company. There is not a single doubt that I am abundantly blessed. So in reality everything is going good. Actually, everything is going great.

It is the minor things which is making me upset like being constantly worried about spending too much, not having enough money when I actually do. Being irritated by the fact that the tenants living on the 1st floor have parked their car just outside my front door, almost blocking our entrance and remaining of the tenants in the 2nd and top floor are using up a lot of water all the time. But then again, these are sweet and nice people. Another this is that the rent is high where I live but compared to what I had looked in other areas, this was the best place I could have found with the money that I am spending on rent, water and electricity plus the owners are quite understanding people.

But if i really dive deep into whats actually bothering me is this guy (it is making me cringe and sigh even as I write the truth) whom I am constantly thinking about. Let me clear it first, I DON’T LIKE HIM! But I do consider him a good fried whom I can reach out to but i fear he has feelings for me. So I will always have to hold myself back from getting too close to him incase I hurt him. He is too good and nice and responsible. He can sing and play guitar. He is smart, hardworking, has a job in a good company and supports himself very well. Now it isn’t just his feelings for me that is getting in the way. We have language barrier as well. I can’t entirely connect with someone with whom I will have to speak in English all the time. Funfact: english is neither of our mother tongue and each of our mother tongues are different. There are a couple of other issues as well but I can try to overlook these (though it next to impossible), I want to spend time with him, be with him but he is busy with work and church.

Speaking of church, it is another thing that makes me feel upset. I love going to church where I can praise God. After months of futile searching and almost two disappointments, I finally found a church in which, strangely, I felt so comfortable just in the first service that I attended. The people over there were also warm and welcoming. I made new friends pretty quickly and i reckoned that at last I finally I found some people I can enjoy with, make memories and be happy. But obviously that was not to be. I had to relocate within the city which made me move quite far away from the church and my newly found friends. This obviously brought some distance between us. Another problem was… any guesses? Well, it was language barrier again. So him and his friends in church all have the same mother tongue and I am the outsider. Its not that they wouldn’t welcome me or make me a part of the group its just they are so used to conversing in their own language that they would have to make conscious effort to speak in English to include me. Even I would feel weird trying to talk to them in English all the time because it becomes difficult to get my proper emotions out. As I said language ‘barrier’. And also they spend a lot of time together, have known each other since they were kids. If truth be told, I will be the intruder, the outsider and this makes me feel that I will never belong anywhere. I wont have people whom I could call my own (except for my family). It does, truly makes me feel bad.

So you see, nothing’s really wrong. It’s just these small things which keeps my mood down. But I have to accept that I am blessed beyond measure to be living so comfortably in world like this and a city so expensive. The things I am worried about cannot be changed. They have to be managed properly. Even if there is no reason for me to be happy, I don’t have a reason i need to be sad about. Well atleast not new reasons because these things I am used to so it does not make much of a difference. Things are good in my life. I just have to do adulting right and keep my focus on my destination meanwhile trusting in God that He knows what He is doing.