It’s not letting go. It is moving on! Part 1.

I am writing after a very long time but I don’t bring good tidings. The past few months have been horrible physically, emotionally and mentally. I lost a lot of things on the way (wish some of it would have been fat). How do I put the turmoil in a more dramatic way?! I lost the person I used to call my best friend. Let me give you a bit of background on the subject of best-friend as per my experience and perspective. I was never lucky when it came to having someone close enough whom I could call a best friend. The first person that I called my best friend sadly passed away one Sunday afternoon after she hit her head on a stone while twirling around in her garden. After that started a series of failed friendships because somehow I really had the knack to befriend selfish and self-centred people who did not know what friendship meant. There were betrayals, impolite and ill-mannered words which would always pierce my heart. I didn’t know that these things existed in friendship where you cannot give all of yourself in a relationship and love your friend through and through. But I did find out that at the end of the day you have to keep yourself protected and safe even from people who call you their bestfriend.

I think, by 9th standard, I had completely given up on the whole best friend notion. Even during high school, I always had some or other skirmishes with a close friend of mine whom everyone thought was my best friend. Now that I think about it, I guess, I am not good at managing myself when I am in a fight. When I get into an argument or have a fight with someone the relationship ends for me then and there. It is as if the thread is broken and even if you want to put it back together, there will always be a knot in between, like remembrance of what had happened. It won’t be the same as before. This is one thing I need to overcome because arguments, disagreements and fights will happen, but that shouldn’t affect the relationship with someone. But if it does get affected then that wasn’t a strong relationship in the first place.

Now, coming back again to the main topic, I refused to call anyone my best friend up until I was in my second year of undergraduate. At this point in time, I developed a strong bond with a friend, who was also my classmate back in school, over a guy she liked and another guy who liked me. Both the gentlemen were a source of constant drama in our lives. We would talk for hours about things that they did which made us happy, sad and crazy. For over two years i called her my closest friend but she called me her best friend. And eventually, I started trusting her. Then came a time when I called her my best friend because I knew she loved me for all I was. She would randomly show up at my home and we would go out to our spot and discuss in detail what our respective drama kings have been doing to make our lives miserable. Slowly, I started to open up again, feeling safe in her company, knowing that she wouldn’t hurt me because she was one of the most mature people I have met so far. She understood me, gave me my space and genuinely cared for me.

For years things were good and we knew we would be in each other’s life forever, because that is what best friend meant, right? But it was not so. I had always wondered how long would we be able to maintain our friendship, how long we can keep going without any fallouts. What I knew was one fight would be enough to crumble us down and so came our downfall after more than a decade’s old friendship. The irony of the situation was, what brought us together made us fall apart as well. The guy in my life who was always a hot topic between us, his toxicity ballooned up to the point where it reached her as well. Sad part is, even for my sake he couldn’t control his ill temper when he was talking to her. What had happened was I was staying over at her place for the night. This was my first ever night stay at a friend’s place. We were having a good time, clicking pictures, making reels with her and her family, talking all crazy things and what not. It was late at night and he called, angry and bothered that I didnt talk to him the entire day. I dont remember the exact reason but soon he asked me to give the phone to my friend. I was the biggest dummy and idiot in the whole world to have given it to her. She was fine with talking to him because who would expect that he would have talked to her in this horrendeous way which brought the first crack in our friendship. I couldnt believe that he would disregard how I would feel if he were super rude to one of the closest person in my life. My friend and I cried that night. In that heavy situation she told me things she had hid from me for years because she thought that if I were to know then I would definitely leave her. But I would never want her to think that whatever she did would ever make me abandon her. So for the next couple of years I did everything to make her believe that she can tell me anything and everything because after all she was my bestfriend. I did it so well that one of her friend commented that after she had told me everything, our friendship has become stronger. That is what I wanted and that is what happened. But meanwhile, I did not stop talking to the guy though the last straw attaching me to him was finally broken. I could never forgive him for what he had done but I knew it still wasn’t the time to leave him. She had expected that I would cut him off completely from my life after what he had done, but I didn’t. Then came the fateful day, when she found out that I still talk to him. It was my birthday.

The first dream of 2023

It wasn’t a good one, but it was definitely eye-opening. So this dream didn’t have one theme but rather it was a mixture of two dominant themes that focused on my friends and me trying to escape Darth Vader (I think) or some villain who is trying to their level best to kick us out of a home or perhaps making sure that we don’t get a good house. What I remember is we were trying to make our escape with our belongings without being caught by someone. We were also going in and out of different houses hiding our stuff or trying to sneak them out. I’m not certain why we were doing this but we had to maintain a deathly discreetness in case we were found out.

Simultaneously in the other part of the dream, I was trying to learn something on the computer with the help of someone. He works in a big-shot company, he is smart, and talented, plays guitar and keyboard, leader of the church and I can claim daringly that maybe, perhaps he is a bit cute. But he is extremely selectively social and opens up only to people he is close to. Though you wouldn’t feel as if he is being impolite but he has the tendency to ignore only because he has heaps of church responsibilities on his shoulder which keeps his mind occupied. Also, he is an unassuming person and doesn’t show off how good he is at doing things. It is this guy I saw in my dream who was surprisingly showing interest in talking to me for the first time ever since we met. I was amazed and completely taken aback by his interests in me. He was talking about himself which he never did and was trying to make me understand something by giving me different types of keyboards to work on. If I am not wrong we were working on his system so I had the chance to see his chats. Apparantly he had saved a girl’s number not by her name but some sort of very long description of what he feels about her. Out of politeness I didn’t venture to read the entire thing because it felt encroaching in his personal space but oh my, how curious i was since he had saved my number only by my first name. Which meant I didn’t hold much importance in his life and that he already has someone else.

This brings me to the conclusion that I don’t matter to him much and maybe never have and never will. A part of me desparately wants to talk to him because he is the one that makes sure I understand what the conversation is about since the entire group speaks another language. But there is always a wall, a thin line of ice, some kind of barrier that separates us from having normal conversations or rather any conversations at all. Even in my dream I knew that talking to him or becoming his good friend is a next to impossbile kind of thing. We both are very different people and would never find a common ground for us to talk on. My heart knows that its a losing battle and that I should simply give up on you. But I can’t seem to stop hoping for that. I need to give up and stop expecting somehing so atypical to happen. I need to call it a day on our friendship which I shall endeavour to do.

So long, friend!

Nothing’s really wrong, it’s just…..

My friends have been asking how my new life has been since I moved away from home and started working. I tell them things are not that great since it is work from home and I have to set up the home, cook on my own, buy everything all by myself, be mindful of the expenses, save and invest, continue with my training, network, keep in touch with old friends, make new friends and ensure that I am updating myself regularly with all the news so that I don’t miss out on anything. It sounds as if my life is effortful and challenging right now. In addition to that I feel upset or sad all the time but is it the adulting which is getting to me? I gave a thought about it and concluded that it isn’t the daily life work which is getting the best of me. I have a place of my own, bought furniture, stuff from Nykaa, home appliances, paying for food (good food), electricity, water and some other things I like to indulge myself with. And all of this is coming from my salary which I am getting through a job in a great company. There is not a single doubt that I am abundantly blessed. So in reality everything is going good. Actually, everything is going great.

It is the minor things which is making me upset like being constantly worried about spending too much, not having enough money when I actually do. Being irritated by the fact that the tenants living on the 1st floor have parked their car just outside my front door, almost blocking our entrance and remaining of the tenants in the 2nd and top floor are using up a lot of water all the time. But then again, these are sweet and nice people. Another this is that the rent is high where I live but compared to what I had looked in other areas, this was the best place I could have found with the money that I am spending on rent, water and electricity plus the owners are quite understanding people.

But if i really dive deep into whats actually bothering me is this guy (it is making me cringe and sigh even as I write the truth) whom I am constantly thinking about. Let me clear it first, I DON’T LIKE HIM! But I do consider him a good fried whom I can reach out to but i fear he has feelings for me. So I will always have to hold myself back from getting too close to him incase I hurt him. He is too good and nice and responsible. He can sing and play guitar. He is smart, hardworking, has a job in a good company and supports himself very well. Now it isn’t just his feelings for me that is getting in the way. We have language barrier as well. I can’t entirely connect with someone with whom I will have to speak in English all the time. Funfact: english is neither of our mother tongue and each of our mother tongues are different. There are a couple of other issues as well but I can try to overlook these (though it next to impossible), I want to spend time with him, be with him but he is busy with work and church.

Speaking of church, it is another thing that makes me feel upset. I love going to church where I can praise God. After months of futile searching and almost two disappointments, I finally found a church in which, strangely, I felt so comfortable just in the first service that I attended. The people over there were also warm and welcoming. I made new friends pretty quickly and i reckoned that at last I finally I found some people I can enjoy with, make memories and be happy. But obviously that was not to be. I had to relocate within the city which made me move quite far away from the church and my newly found friends. This obviously brought some distance between us. Another problem was… any guesses? Well, it was language barrier again. So him and his friends in church all have the same mother tongue and I am the outsider. Its not that they wouldn’t welcome me or make me a part of the group its just they are so used to conversing in their own language that they would have to make conscious effort to speak in English to include me. Even I would feel weird trying to talk to them in English all the time because it becomes difficult to get my proper emotions out. As I said language ‘barrier’. And also they spend a lot of time together, have known each other since they were kids. If truth be told, I will be the intruder, the outsider and this makes me feel that I will never belong anywhere. I wont have people whom I could call my own (except for my family). It does, truly makes me feel bad.

So you see, nothing’s really wrong. It’s just these small things which keeps my mood down. But I have to accept that I am blessed beyond measure to be living so comfortably in world like this and a city so expensive. The things I am worried about cannot be changed. They have to be managed properly. Even if there is no reason for me to be happy, I don’t have a reason i need to be sad about. Well atleast not new reasons because these things I am used to so it does not make much of a difference. Things are good in my life. I just have to do adulting right and keep my focus on my destination meanwhile trusting in God that He knows what He is doing.

The list which I overcame.

I made a list of topics I would have liked to write about because putting my thoughts into words would have given me an avenue to release what was going through my head since I didn’t have anyone to talk to. These topics depicted areas in my life I had been struggling with for some time so I figured that letting my thoughts out through this medium would help me put together my reflections in the right direction or at least aid me in disassembling my tangled apprehensions. There were 7 on the list but because of the exigencies of the situation I couldn’t start working on them and as time passed I forgot about them altogether. They were always at the back of my mind, tugging on me once in a while to give them some of my time. But a couple of months slipped away as I tried to get on with my new life and finally I revisited that list to think which one to start writing on. As I went through them one by one, I tried to recall what had made me put that particular topic on the list. Surprisingly, however hard I tried, I couldn’t recollect the reason behind my putting them on the list. At least four of them (the struggle) I had already overcome, the rest were more on religious grounds.

The things that I was struggling with for a long time somehow didn’t bother me exceedingly. What had changed in these two months that made me tame my unbridled thoughts and negativity? I have no idea but let’s make a list of things that I had done in the past months:
1. Graduated with my masters
2. Started my first job in a big-shot company
3. Moved to a city
4. Found a place on my own
5. Arranged all the necessities to set up the house
6. Begun working in my company
7. Accepted the disappointments that came on way while arranging our home
8. I decided to take matters into my own hand.

I have listed the above in the order that it happened. Now as I ponder over it, I realise that it was the chronology with which things had happened that led me to the state of mind that I am in right now. Every hurdle that I faced gave me the power or the mental strength to subdue a multitude of thoughts that were pulling me back from being happy and content. As of now, I am glad to see the progress that I have made with my approach towards things. Also, just recently I had a good cry which helped me immensely to get out of my melancholy. Crying helps!! It is not a sign of weakness and neither would I say it is a sign of strength but rather it authenticates that we are humans with trials and tribulations along with ranging emotions.

I have decided to make a new list and work on that because even though I have come past the spot I was in, I still feel it should have gone out in the world for other people to read and know that they are not alone in this scuffle with everyday life. Moving forward is found in the robustness or conviction in getting out of the situation that has been dragging and draining you down mentally, emotionally and physically. It requires relentless consistency which is manifested by unbroken focus, sort of like medidation. You constantly look towards where you want to reach and what you want to become and where you want to be. It is not an easy job, especially since we are laden with numerous responsibilities.

But I know things that things that bothered me in the past doesnt affect me as much as they have done before. I wouldnt day there is perfect peace yet I know that I am reaching that place slowly and steadily. I know I will be there someday. It is only a matter of time and eventually everything there on the list will lay behind me, like a lesson that I have learned which helped me pass on my experience to others.

An Innocent Mistake.

I had always been crazy about anime and mangas. The sweet romance of love at first sight, high school drama revolving around falling for someone for the first time, frienemies, basketball competition, doing part-time jobs to the point of exhaustion to buy that special gift for their boyfriend/girlfriend to give them on valentines day and the breakup and patch up which finally concluded in a happy marriage. Even writing about it brings back so many memories, transporting me into the land of nostalgia. One thing that stuck with me was the guys falling for the girl. When I saw it through the lenses of my childhood, I saw the guys falling for the girl’s character, her personality, how she was, and her nature. And it wasn’t just the guys who fell for her but she also made good friends, true friends who would stick by her and eventually become well-liked by the almost entire school. So what I thought was, that to be liked, a person would have to become like that. If I am being honest right now, let me confess, I believed I had to become that girl, I had to be that girl to be well-liked and get that magical anime-manga romance. This is so embarrassing to admit but that is in fact the truth. I figured I had to be the gentle aura, the sweet-going girl so soft to touch but not fragile. I saw people falling for her frailty, her naiveness and now that I think of it, her stupidity. As I watched other anime and read many more mangas, the personality depicted by every main lead was different. Some of them were fierce, strong-headed, and ready to set the world ablaze. But some were graceful, calm and composed, poised and level-headed. Few others were diminutive, quiet, blending with the crowd, pleasing and sweet. And so I concluded that I had to be everything I read about. The pressure was immense, and the eventual realisation that I was not, had me disappointed in myself. In someways, I started hating myself for I couldn’t be everything and every one of them. How stupid I was to think this way!

What I didn’t know was all those people liked the girl because she was being herself. She wasn’t that girl or this girl, rather she was her own self. She didn’t try to be something she isn’t but rather stayed in her own lane, building her own self, being true to herself. I was too young to understand that I am making an innocent mistake. I didn’t know that nothing feels more beautiful than a person being their natural self. I didn’t know how disarming it was, how attractive it was. But I realised it too late, I lost myself. I don’t really know who I am now. I have forgotten, how to react, how to behave and now nothing makes sense.

Fortunately, there are few things that I did learn from those anime-manga girls- perseverance, strength, will-power, determination, courage, focus, hard-work, morality, sticking to your values, have your own rules but most important of all, be your self. Be who you really are and let nothing change you. Be the best version of yourself.

So here I am, on a journey to rediscover myself.

Not So Public Anymore

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed ( who uses Facebook these days? Well I do because I am not on Instagram or any other social media. lol.) and I came across a post whose gist was about privacy being an integral part of someone’s character. In other words, they thrive in being private about themselves and that they have more peace and comfort with disclosing as less details of their lives as possible. Not just the details but also who they are as an individual. Their likes and dislikes, their opinions and perspective towards their life and the ground they are standing on these days. This privacy is essential for them. It empowers them.

This made me realise, I haven’t been much private about my life these days, which has led me into an acute discomfort. I like the privacy of my thoughts, to know that what i am thinking only stays with me and I don’t have to share it with someone else. But recently, I have been vastly vocal about my feelings and frame of mind. It does not feel comfortable, because not everyone needs to know everything. This shouldn’t be confused with my reluctance to share my problem with the best of my friends, but for the rest of the public, I don’t want to be so public anymore. I do want to get my articulation right, especially when i am expressing myself to my friends, but somehow i have found solace in silence. I would rather listen to people, observe them, get to know them, make them feel accepted rather than dumping all my thoughts on to people who wouldn’t remember them the next day.

I like privacy and i feel people have been given a big window to look into what has been going on. Now they know a little bit too much for my taste. It has to stop. Setting up healthy boundaries for self and others is an important step towards self-care. One thing to do is accept and acknowledge the fact that maintaining privacy is required to involve minimal source of stress in your life because the less private you are, the more people will comment on it. It can be a negative or a positive comment which can engender an equal or opposite reaction on your side.

This doesn’t mean that you should live as a ghost all your life. Even an introvert needs to go out once in a while to engage in social interactions.

The real challenge here is to maintain a private social life. Any suggestions on how to go about doing it? Let us know in the comment section.

Random Rant

I want to do the right thing but I am at the stage of my life where I don’t know what the right thing is actually. What my mind knows, my heart doesn’t accept which leads me into making false scenarios in my head. Pushing myself to accept the truth and steer clear from the made-up stories is so hard because my heart still hopes but that hope is the path to destruction. I have travelled that path where I knew my heart wouldn’t belong to anyone since it already lost itself a long time ago and yet I led someone to a dance whose step I wouldn’t trip around. It was a wretched time and how I made that person feel, leaving him in mid-dance, was even worse. Even though it has been a year, the wounds didn’t heal completely and he is still suffering because of my own folly. My stupidity and lack of self-control hurt him. The lesson that I learned from that experience is, do not give water to a plant you don’t want to see blossoming, and do not let the ship sail when it is meant to sink. This is a time when I have to apply what I have learnt and be mature as well as sensible while dealing with the situation.

I cannot let anyone else get hurt because of me. Deep down I know if God asked me to take the path which I had left a long time ago, I would go down that road in heartbeat, leaving everything behind. I wouldn’t care about how things would turn out to be because God had asked me to go that way so I know they will be fine. But the thing is God has asked me to stay away from it, and I am doing that. Nevertheless, I know I wouldn’t be able to walk down any other road related to that, hence i shouldn’t take anyone with me. What I also know is people are humans with feelings and I need to treat them that way. I need to respect their feelings and not lead them away in false hopes. That is one thing I have to engrave in my behaviour and meditate on because if I don’t do this, it makes me less human and more heartless, which I am not. Winding down into a person I don’t want to see myself becoming will definitely hurt me and my confidence in doing the right thing.

Not only this, my expectations from life are completely different. What I want will take time to manifest, and I can’t have distractions in my life because at the end of the day I know I will choose myself. I don’t have the heart to see them hurting especially someone who has been good to me because that is a debt that won’t be ever able to repay. How disrespectful it is to settle for a path because you couldn’t go the way you wanted to. It isn’t what you would have chosen had you been on the other path. Fact is, it wouldn’t have been on the list. What a shame to hurt someone that way. But now I will be sensible about it. I will make the right decision. I will not let anyone get hurt because I couldn’t see them as human. I will not be guilty of that sin anymore.

Things turned out differently.

I don’t know where it went wrong or more like why I couldn’t make sense of the situation. Sometimes you don’t understand what and where it went wrong. The only explanation that presents itself is that it wasn’t meant to be. Though the beginning was great, sweet and homely but when things went south the attempt to cut off the chords becomes even more difficult. Add onto that the loathsome habit of over-thinking. You can try all you want with the best intentions, nevertheless, you can’t change the direction of the wind. It will flow the way it wants to, where it is headed and not where you want it to go. It is fine though because we don’t know where the wind is needed to go, where it should really be. Maybe the wind doesn’t belong to you, it belongs to someone else and even if it doesn’t, it is not yours to keep.

I strongly trust that if God want things to go in a particular direction then He will make sure that it happens that way. Otherwise, He will protect you or rather protect others from you. Heartbreaks are inevitable, the real strength lies in getting over them. It is never easy to accept that what had seemed a promising start turned out to be a false hope of happiness. It can be someone else’s net data that can fuel your wifi but the connection is only of temporary nature because as they go away so will their attention and focus on you. Alternatively, they will find out who you really are, your little quirks and laughter, the curve of your lips and your unruly mind of yours which they decide is not worth their efforts because it isn’t what they want. The unsettling and vexing thought that “it started so well, why did it have to fall apart” takes hold of your mind and all you do is play the scenario over and over again in your head, reliving the short fable of a spurious promising start. There is no alt+del in the memories that you have lived which you hold so precious. Neither can you switch off your mind from replaying everything in a way that you wish had happened.

And so the solution presents itself- just accept what has happened. Acceptance is the key to moving forward and moving on because what could have happened isn’t what should have happened. There are many other details and background stories which are veiled from what is visible and our minds can make up stories only on the visible part of it. Revelations can crumble up the utopian world that was constructed on bare minimum information. So isn’t it wise to stop then and there and breathe acceptance? It is indeed heart-wrenching to adjust to reality when things led you to believe something that did not exist. To tear away from what it felt like and move towards what it is, makes us disoriented. For all that, it is better to endure the short term disorientation rather than living a lie. Myabe there might have been hints to disclose the reality but at that point of time you couldn’t pick it up, or take it in the direction of its hidden meaning. But now that it does make sense, it is better to give it up and accept that some things are not meant to be.

Finding me.

As the days progressed into the years, the flower forgot its fragrance. It started well though when it was just a bud, unfurling its soft petals which had diamonds like droplets early in the morning, reflecting its gorgeous pink in the sunlight. It was still covered in the cotton soft shield enjoying the oblivion of solidarity which soon shattered as its eyes looked beyond and saw other buds around it in the garden. They were pretty too, some even with vibrant colours it had ever seen and they were growing strong with every passing day. Whenever there was a light breeze, it could smell the sweet fragrance which was so delightful to breath in. And so it noticed that the other buds were different from what it was. There was more bounce in them or maybe shown brightly under the blue sky. Some had more petals in them, some had clearer reflection on their diamonds. Infact some grew in such a pretty bunch which made it strikingly appealing to the eyes that somehow caught more attention. It became obsessed with what it did not have and what it should have had that it forgot what it really had. Gradually this turned into excessive self-criticism because what it had, felt wrong.

This set in motion an attempt to become something that it thought the world wanted it to become. To be always perfect, not flawed, to take people’s breath away, just like how other buds were doing, mesmerizing people, if not by their beauty then by their fragrance. The only aim was to feel loved and accepted. And yes it did work hard, no doubt there was growth but it still looked outside at others, what they must be thinking of its petals. So it showed its best side or a side which couldn’t be judged. To put on the best front took its toll. It forgot who it was, what it was, whats its fragrance like, what it looks like. Some of its petals had withered, it was hearing but never listening. And as time advanced, it couldn’t even be itself because it did not know how to be. So it decided that things cannot go on this way any longer. It cannot stay cornered in fear of being judged and labelled as “not good enough”. So the flower decided, it is what it is.

It knew that it had to get above this fear of losing out in the world among other flowers, being compared and thought to be less than others or simply less. This can only begin by accepting that every single flower in the garden is beautiful and fact is that it is part of the garden too. It just have to explore its own beauty in an accepting way. This will take time because it will have to unlearn a galore of things it had learnt over the course of its life. It will have find itself, maybe in bits pieces, slowly gathering intel by diving deep and observing what makes it bloom, making that its focus. Some foundations have to be laid on the rocks and that is what the flower is going to do now because the marathon it has started on will take time. In some ways its good that it found a direction at this point of its life before it was too late to change anything at all. The only thing it is searching for is the freedom that lies at the end of this long tunnel. The journey is going to be lonely but it is what will make the difference.

The fight for Sensibility

I won’t deny that I find it difficult to stay connected to reality and not drift off to a world of my own. It is hard to stay focused these days, even while reading or writing. There is a humongous amount of course that I have to complete but my mind is wandering off to places and people and what could have been. This is impacting my productivity. I am slowly spiralling into thoughts and made up situations that won’t matter after a year. The thing is I know what my priorities are and I want to work towards it but somehow I am unable to focus for more than ten minutes. There are things I want to do, a person I want to become, dreams I want to fulfil but if I keep being this then how will things go in the right direction.

I want to enjoy what I am doing and I want to be happy about it. Killing my peace of mind, overworking my body, making unnecessary comparisons is creating an immense amount of toxicity in my life. It is holding me back from making friends or having fun in general. I want to be happy but I don’t want to lose myself in the process of upgrading my software.

I will find a way to be happy again. It might take time but I have all the patience I need. It is a waste of time not being happy and not treasuring everything I have. But it is hard to talk to people or socialize when I feel so tired all the time. But you got to do what you got to do. Accepting the reality and flowing with the flow is easier said than done but that’s what has to be done. There are times when the thoughts in my head will explode my brain, making it harder to keep myself focused on my priorities and what I am doing. But I will find a way out somehow. I will have to.