Things are changing. The world I knew, isn’t how it was anymore. Everything is so different. All of this strikes me because I am taking a new step in my life- I will start my first job, but I can’t seem to get excited about it. Maybe it is because of the package, or that I am so worried whether I will be good enough to get substantial appraisals, or that will I ever be the best in my profession, or be considered as one of the best employees or whether I’ll be seen as a good person or perhaps all the above. Truly and deeply I am extremely worried because now I will pay for my own living. Today itself I realized a major expense in my life but I am panic-stricken by the thought that all of it will only increase (I am already living on the cap of my budget, maybe a little bit above it). What scares me the most is this is only the beginning. I cannot help but be apprehensive about how I will manage my expenses, my savings, my career and at the same time grow in my profession, be a God fearing child and take care of my family. I want to earn enough so that I wouldn’t have to take any money from my parents and not be dependent on anyone to take care of me. I want to be strong and capable enough to take care of others as well. For that I would need money, which would require me to do my job well. That would require smart work, hard work, knowledge development, networking and being always on the hustle. The most depressing fact is I am running two years late which is in average (excluding saturday and sunday and working 5 days a week for 10 hours) 5220 hours lost. I have to make up for the lost time. For the coming one year, I only want to focus on myself and my career growth. I want to learn and improve myself. Not only this, I want to stand out of the crowd by being me and not try and be something or someone else. I want to be the best version of myself. I don’t want to live a style which isn’t mine or one that does ot reflect me. I want to build something of my own.
I know God will help and He will lead the way but my mind is full of countless whatifs. The entire of my being is screaming red alert all the time and in everything that I am doing. In fact I am second guessing all my decisions. Was it right of me to have chosen this city to start my job? Did i force God into accepting my wishes which might have been temporary feelings and emotion? Does God have the same plans for me as I have for myself? Will He grant me what I desire? Will He make my wishes come true? I can’t seem to find the faith to believe in anything good or great will happen to me. This is such a tough spot to be in. God has done a great deal for me in my life, but somehow I don’t get what i really want. But I need to keep believing. God gave my parents and their parents a lot of blessings, why wouldn’t He bless me and my sister. As of now the hardest part is taking the leap of faith.
There are so many things going through my mind, I won’t deny, but I have to come above them. I have to keep my focus and do everything lightly with a happy frame of mind. I guess, all i can say at this point of time is, i will try.
Rea1405 